fatherhood

It is possible beyond reasonable doubt that Wifey feels denied of participation when she is relieved of burping our darling so that she can sleep more, of having to strain her waist in order to change diapers for our baby, of wetting her hands when washing the milk bottles, even though these run the risk of her suffering long term health consequences.

But to hell with these sometimes, perhaps.

0145hrs: I had raised my voice once at our darling with intention, to test if she responds in our favour. This was during diaper changing and my girl was bawling relentlessly, and I was furthermore restraining her to the point we fear I might break her leg. I was anticipating the "ENOUGH" I blared to jolt her, perhaps, out of her crying.

But by golly, am I proud of my strong little girl to put up a fight with her daddy-O.

One lesson I learnt was that it quickly descends my position into one of the bad guy, creating a space for Wifey, mother-in-law and the father-in-law to swoop in quickly to become the good people, eager to soothe her crying by cradling her, but only at the end after I had been the one physically hurting my daughter trying to clean her bum. If no one had been around, I would have been the one equally cradling my darling after the bloodbath to soothe her for the distress I caused her when changing her diapers.

Second, the discourse shifts from experimentation, to propriety of parenting "styles". And the discussion is of a clear black and white dichotomous nature. Some styles are necessarily right and some are wrong and the actors fall into their respective categories with no room for grey. Raising my voice was immediately associated with frustration and an incapacity for love.

In case the point gets lost, it was about experimenting if my darling could jump out of it, but the point had collapsed, giving way to judgement instead. Perhaps a thunderous "Boo!" would have been a better choice of word.

Third, explaining my course of action merely descends my position further into one of defensiveness. It would easily become a futile debate about railing at one's child in which I, the antagonist, would be morally incorrect. Any amount of explanation would be fruitless. Glad I recognised this and I immediately walked away from this one.

Last, the practical solution on hindsight would have been to defer cleaning my darling to anyone around me. It would have been easier, but I would have lost the opportunity to experiment at that moment. I did experiment and the result was as above.

#oops

Can't wait for the next three milk bottles to arrive. Excess milk bottles will allow me to leave unwashed bottles aside for washing during the day time.

Washing bottles is a mere 2 minutes job but that makes a severe dent in my sleep quality.

Mummy and I need a break, and we had the privilege to play games on our console.

Guilt sets in however I try to dispel it, especially so when we are relieved by our immediate family members, providing us that much needed respite.

Yawn; checked (3 days ago)

Smile; checked (5 days ago)

Shift eyeballs; checked (5 days ago)

Bubbling with saliva; checked (3 days ago)

My darling has this habit of passing urine and motion only when the tape of her diapers are released.

Took me a while as well as a few soiled clothes to come up with a strategy of releasing the tape, airing her bum and then taping back. Once some motion is passed, I untape again, air her bum again and re-tape.

Day 15: My darling can turn her head to follow our fingers from left to right and back for the first time.

Feeding, recording of pooping and peeing have become clinical. We need darling to drink as much as possible in order that she pees as much as possible to reduce the jaundice level.

Day 2: latching day and night sitting up (of which the technique was later discovered to be incorrect). Darling was perpetually unsatisfied.

Day 3: formula introduced as darling's hunger can never be satisfied. Mummy vigorously hand expresses to reduce reliance on formula to frustrating results.

Day 4: stress levels peaks

Day 5: uncovering of latching problem by lactation consultant. Latching day and night with improved technique albeit sitting up. Darling finally satisfied. Relief achieved.

Day 6: latching day and night with improved technique.

Day 7: latching day and night. Partial formula substitute, i.e. no breastfeeding, during the night. Relief achieved.

Day 8: experimented breastfeeding our darling lying down. Less strenuous for mummy without a doubt. Relief achieved.

Day 9: relief achieved

Day 10: latching and pumping in the day. Generally 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep at night from 0000hrs to 0800hrs.

Day 11: latching and pumping in the day. Reduce uninterrupted sleep to 6 hours generally from 0000hrs to 0600hrs. No latching from 0600hrs to 0800hrs, only pumping to relieve breast swelling.

The experiment with 100% bottle feeding for the night is over.

Success. Wifey slept through.

Back to sleep. Goodnight world.

0640hrs

Just recollected my episode of partial sleepwalking:

I was frantically searching for my girl in my pillow. In my stupor, my pillow resembles the puffy swaddle we used and I was digging inside the pillow case for darling.

"Oh my gawd Darling where are you!?"

85ml of expressed breast milk per feed knocks darling out.

They were coincidentally the same volume for the 0150hr and 0540hr feeds. She refused to take beyond 85ml for the first feed resulting in a 25ml waste.

I am now replacing all night breastfeeding with bottle feeding of expressed breast milk.

It is a prelude to bottle feeding the entire day, first by myself, then subsequently by my in-laws. This will allow Wifey and I to return to work.

Most importantly, Wifey gets to sleep through at least 8hrs.

9 days of looking after my newborn ascertains that when she cries, it's because she is hungry.

To think that cuddling will soothe her is misplaced. Just keep feeding. If she has had her fill, she will reject the milk.